Dreams - 11 April 2003 . 15:14
Each time I have these dreams, it's like a piece of my heart is breaking.
I'm tempted to undergo self-induced delirium by foregoing sleep. Willing to make myself so tired that when I physically can fight sleep no longer, I fall into such a deep slumber that lucid dreaming is impossible.
Anything to make the dreams stop.
We are standing in a field. Maybe it's not really a field but it's an open space filled with cornflower. It's just the two of us surrounded by sky and sunlight and cornflower. There is a gentle wind that washes over us. The cornflower sways. I look up and see the clouds, so white and cottony, moving closer and eclipsing the sun. He speaks but almost inaudibly. Even though I don't hear the words clearly my heart knows what he has said. And then I am standing alone in the field as the rain begins to fall.
Then there is the dream where I'm walking through a parking lot and he's walking through the same lot but in the opposite direction. He stops in front of me and after we just stand there facing each other, I reach out to embrace him and he wraps his arms around me. I'm lost in his scent and his warmth and then he steps out of the embrace and says, "I hate you for making me feel again." Then he continues walking away.
I've been having these dreams, especially the first one, so often lately that I dread going to sleep. It's like constant deja-vu. I feel as if I'm trapped in a low-budget version of the movie "Groundhog Day."
I can't express the emotional distress these dreams put me under. I could, but I'm not ready to share that part of my life with everyone. I'm not willing to walk through and explain all that, even though I live it on an almost daily basis.
So the stress of these dreams, combined with the stress of my family and the added hours of work that came along with my promotion, all I want to do is go somewhere quiet and just escape everything.
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