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All really isn't lost?? - 09 February 2003 . 06:14 Yesterday was the day of no sleep. Each time I tried to sleep I ended up only catching a quick nap. By the end of the night I was so tired I couldn't sleep. Too tired to sleep... So if this entry seems muddled or lacks clarity, chalk it up to the ramblings of an exhausted mind. Thinking about my life in the present tense, and even specuating on life in the future, somehow leads me back to the past. While chatting with my sister I ended up reflecting on love lost. Being a person that tends to conjure up events from the past and analyze them, I'm quite adept at looking at the person or event without reliving the emotion. Not to say that reminiscing doesn't bring or cause me emotion because truly it does. My point is that usually when I reflect on a mistake or something from my past I'm able to take the situation for what it truly is without reliving the guilt/anger/hurt or what have you. Not until this chat did I realize this "lost love" truly isn't. That is to say I can't reflect on or think of this particular time without a resurgence of emotion; both negative and positive, each separate and entangled within some great cache of love and remorse. It resurfaced so suddenly, as most things not truly buried do, and though the conversation ended a good three hours ago I have not been able to put this aside. It's as if every particle of my very being is shouting uproariously in an effort to convince me that what I deemed lost is merely lying dormant, just beneath the surface, waiting to be seized. I have tried to tell myself these are only whimsical notions; some ill-begotten scheme I've unleashed on myself in an effort to recapture some lost "glory day" or relive the past when it is better left spent. I have tried to tell myself this but have not succeeded. With the mere mention of his name I was completely awash with powerful emotions that refused to be quieted. In an instant I found myself immersed in the very night I fell in love with him. An evening so profound, so moving that it has no parallel. Now that I've realized my feelings are as strong as ever they were (and that they're not likely to be quelled by any other means) I can only wonder what, if any, action I should take. I am not a brave person when dealing with affairs of the heart. I rarely take a chance or make the first move. Okay, I never make the first move. Whether it's traditionalism or fear of rejection (or both) is of no consequence now. I am torn between taking a chance and telling this person the way I feel, and have felt for the past 6 years, or taking the road most travelled and chickening out. Chickening out sure sounds safe but there is this sense of urgency, this desperate yearning to unlock my heart and pour out the contents to him without fear or hesitation. But how do you relate such powerful emotion when there seem to be no fitting words? Or do you resign your heart to the fact that the time has passed, the chance is lost and life must, instead, move forward?
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